Howard the Life Coach

Howard the Life Coach

An Insight into Relationships

What keeps people locked into a bad relationship?

Have you ever broken up with someone with whom you have had an argumentative relationship over a period of time? You feel “thank God, what a relief! I can now live in peace!” And you feel that having left the toxic relationship behind, you are liberated from the pain you were experiencing.

Then some time later you decide to touch base with that same person because you assume that meeting with him/her won’t be a problem. But then there is a surprise: you suddenly find yourself locked into the same patterns of dispute. It is as though no time at all has lapsed, and the same-old, same-old has not changed. What happened?

You need to realize that relationships have their patterns, in which you and your partner exchange cues to which you have an automatic response. Such a cue can be an irritating word or phrase to which your partner responds with a counter-punch, which then becomes a cue for you to do the same, and lo and behold you are back in the same scenario you thought you had gotten out of.

Is there a basic mechanism that drives dysfunctional relationships?

Painful relationships always have a pattern of knee-jerk reactions that do nothing more than keep the participants locked into whatever the pattern is. For example one partner says to the other “You are always contradicting what I say.” The second partner then defends him/herself with a counter-accusation, setting off a never-ending repartee of blame. The funny thing is that each time a battle begins, the two who are in it act as though it were a brand new fight, each one believing that victory is just around the corner. An experienced observer, however, knows that as much as these battles repeated there is never a victory.

Is there a way to escape from the scenario other than leaving the relationship?

Yes, there is. The partners in the relationship know how to play their roles because they have played them again and again, but oddly enough they don’t really know the nature of their script. A good relationship coach will be able to identify the scenario and help clients see what cues they are getting and/or giving and how they are responding. Once the cues have been recognized the client can then work with options for removing or exchanging them and open the door to creative, positive experiences.

How do you do it?

Working with a good life/relationship coach will allow you to see your situation from angles you may not have known existed. Understanding what is happening leads to a new freedom through which you have new choices. If you want to know more, you can contact me at m.hroth465@yahoo.com.

A Digression into Theology

Whether you have a religious belief or not, here is a question to consider:

What is the logic behind "The Fall"? God is said to love all of his creatures. This means he would love, among others, the tiger, even though the tiger devours other animals including the occasional human being. The tiger is following his nature when he preys on other creatures, and in so doing is not committing a sin. Instead he is being a true tiger worthy of God's love.
God also created the angels, including Lucifer. Being all-knowing, God would not be surprised at any of his creatures' actions, so he would expect Lucifer to become the great tempter of humanity. So just as the tiger fulfills his role in the world by being a true tiger, Satan is living up to God's expectations when he promotes the "downfall of man", and in so doing is worthy of God's love. As with the tiger eating in order to survive, Satan fulfills his mission by taking man's soul to hell. Is the act of one being consuming another for nourishment an expression of the divine order? Is the process of man losing his soul to the devil a manifestation of God's love? If so, is there such a thing as evil?

Still more on Democracy

Hi,
You mention that companies that belong to the shareholders have some measure of democracy. This of course is democracy among the owners and not among the employees. I guess when I think of democracy in terms of business, I think about it in the workplace, among the employees and not among the owners. The owners will of course have a lot of power over the employees -- whether the owners are shareholders or one or a small handful of individuals. The owners of a business having a say is not such a big deal to me. It's more of a given. But when the employees have a say -- now that's democracy in the world of business that is of interest to me.

-Brigitte

You are right. True democracy at the workplace is set among the employees. The best set-up in my opinion is one in which the employees are also the owners, which does happen in some rare instances. Of course, no matter what the structure, some members, whether or not they are employees or not, will have more power and influence. The greatest assurance for the existence of democracy in the workplace is a deep-rooted democratic value system of mutual respect between managers and managed, and among peers.

-Howard

More on Democracy

Hi,I am curious, how do you see democracy working in the context of business? I agree that it at the very least bringing elements of democracy into a business structure makes good business sense, but an organization can also easily get bogged down in consensus and also eventually suffer from an inability to make decisions effectively when it is too consensus driven. What do you think?

---It all depends on the type and size of the firm. With large firms the presence of a union (within which there are always votes taken on major issues) provides a welcome checks and balances element. Then there is the issue of ownership: Countries are, theoretically at least, owned by all of its citizens, so a good constitution like that of the U.S. can lay the groundwork for democracy. Large firms, on the other hand, belonging to the shareholders, have some measure of democracy when the shareholders vote in regards to who will manage the company. Of course, in the case of shareholders they are by no means equal: money determines voting power.
The management of a large company has the option of either setting up democratic structures within the framework of the company, e.g. the various departments will each have a voice, or the management can simply dictate policies. It makes better sense to allow as many voices to be heard as possible, as this will enrich the options available to top management. As to how much democracy there can be in a given business will need to be determined by a number of factors, not the least of which is the nature of the business. A law firm, for instance, or an enterprise with equally gifted scientists will have it easier to have a democratic decision-making structure than a complex factory.
A rule of thumb might be: the more democratic elements a business can maintain in its operation without stiffling quick decision making when it is needed, the better it is

Why Democracy?

Hello Folks,
I am working on a statement, or you might say essay or whatever, that shows why democracy is a better structure than dictatorship in any social organization whether a national government, a business structure, a non-profit organization or even a family. I am also working to show what kinds of policies, actions and attitudes inhibit individual fulfillment necessary for having a democratic society. How can a public that actively participates in governing a country be reduced to being nothing more than obedient followers of a leader? How is the public fooled into accepting policies that bring about its own economic demise and how can the same public be brought to see through the sham? Let me know what ideas you might want to share.
Till later,
Howard